"does it matter what you think or what your intentions are?"
Posted: 7:27 AM EDT
what a pretty fountain...
last night was an interesting night; it was one of those times where my brain lapsed into super-thought mode, and exhausted itself trying to think about all of the hidden facets of the world. i had talked to phil for a half hour or so before my calculus class, went to calculus class around 7:20, and when i came back there was a huge social gathering in my room that i wasn't able to handle just then. so i grabbed up a notebook and went outside to write... i needed to jot down all of the thoughts and feelings running through my head so i could look at them and maybe make more sense of what my brain was spitting out. it was helping a little bit; i sat on the fountain outside my dorm building under "electric candlelight," watching the people go by, being interrupted once or twice. a guy i met in my chemistry class stopped over and said hi while he was running... i think his name is either jake or jason :P it's hard for me to remember. he's a nice kid though, and although he was dripping with sweat from running, he was still fun to talk to. after he left, molly came down and asked, was that guy that just talked to you wearing a kilt? i assure you that they were a pair of black shorts, she just has a bit of trouble seeing clearly out of her window on the second floor. lindsey then called molly, and then lindsey came down, and the three of us went to the 'eagle's nest' for a late night snack. i got a brownie, and it was good.
so anyway, these two visitations totally warped my train of thought, which, looking back on it, was a good thing, since i was becoming too thoughtful and a little bit depressed that i couldn't figure out what i was supposed to. i returned to writing once molly and lindsey had returned to their rooms, but my mental state had been broken, and for some reason my writing had become very self-centered. so i took all of that out and revised it a bit, and it seems better now.
so i returned to my room, and once again talked to phil, and 'let myself go' by telling him all of what i was feeling about whichever topic we were on. and it felt good, so i'm grateful. i needed to chat after that.
so what did i write?
the following:
i want to know what you know, i want to understand what you understand, but it's tough for me to know what you're talking about, to know how you felt when you were like me, to know how you obtained all of the knowledge to balance your life. i am confused yet crystal clear on the topic all at the same time, able to cross some boundaries but unable to break others. i am limited in what i "see," and though i try not be, the task seems daunting. i realize that i have to train myself to let go, to leave the physical world, to let my mind just "be." i try my hardest to understand. to follow your advice. and, as you've mentioned, the first step is probably choosing to see the hidden depths of life. i want to, of course, but i don't think i've quite convinced myself that i need to... achieving this point inside myself is probably critical toward convincing myself that i do choose to understand the world, but for some reason i'm scared to cross the boundary that would allow me to see the world more clearly than i do now. some of my fears are superficial ones, like the fact that i might be labeled strange or a "disturber of the peace," but i know those are irrevelant when compared to more important things. fear is limiting, i know, but what if you're afraid of accepting that there really is no limit? i believe, within my central system of beliefs, that reality is what you make it, so to speak, but for some reason my physical mind has been able to override my inner feelings. it's a bit hard to explain, one of those things that don't really have words, they just kind of are. if i were to find out the truth about "knowing," to discover what the true purpose of my life is, i'd feel that i would be different from other people, like i was a step above them because i realized that i knew some things about the world that they didn't. you're probably thinking that it would be my job to teach them, to try to teach them what they already know, and i don't know why that is so hard for me to comprehend, but it is. it would be rewarding, i believe that, would satisfy some of my curiosity by watching someone else learn what i had already figured out, but i don't know, i'd just feel different. i'd be more of an individual than i am now... but i don't know. i just have this fear inside of me that i haven't quite figured out. i don't understand it all yet. hopefully i will someday. i'm aiming.
deep thoughts = good
and if this doesn't make sense to you, don't worry about it; it barely makes sense to me on a certain level. but it is good thinking, no?
all right, homework time!
and now you're probably thinking what a weird entry.... i agree.
current mood:
tired
current music: Counting Crows - Round Here
Posted: 7:22 AM EDT
Wednesday, 27 August 2003
i finally realized who graham reminds me of. pace with the voice of tobey maguire. fancy that bit of information.
current mood:
yawnycurrent music: The Animals - House of the Rising Sun
Posted: 4:21 PM EDT
let me tell you your fortune...
"You find beauty in ordinary things. Do not lose this ability."
i just got back from lunch, and while there i found a little basket full of fortune cookies. i couldn't resist taking one. i have to say that that cookie is pretty darn close to myself.
current mood:
lethargiccurrent music: Three Doors Down - When I'm Gone
Posted 2:01 PM EDT
Tuesday, 26 August 2003
i met this cool kid named graham in my chem class today. i don't believe he is a freshman, seeing as he has spent two years in the military and has already attended two other colleges, but i still felt like i could talk freely and be myself around him. finally i found a male friend to talk to. :P it's not that girls are bad, there's just something about talking to a guy that's different... hope you know what i mean.
i also started that oh-so-wonderful dining job today, cleaning tables, filling napkin dispensers, vacuuming, stacking plates and trays.... oy, good times. it was a bit exhausting on the feet, but i made a solid $18.75-- that's $6.25 an hour. beat that! :P hey, at least it's something... i've made about $30 so far. at least my income is starting to inch back up... books took a bunch out of it! it makes me feel happy about myself.
current mood:
pleasedcurrent music Christina Aguilera - Miss Independent (ugh, they were playing it while i was cleaning, and now it's stuck in my head :P)
Posted 10:58 PM EDT
fun fun fun
today i successfully washed my laundry!!! yayy!!! although now i can tell why college kids wear thier last possible strands of clothing before they wash all of their stuff... lugging laundry every where is a pain in the butt.
last night i had fun; some of my "hall mates" and i bought domino's pizza and watched fellowship of the ring. i must admit that i gawked, like a complete girl, over pippin-- billy boyd is so awesome. my pal brian then called, and i talked to him for a hour or so, about all sorts of stuff. hahaha he's still stuck in NWC :P good times though. it's nice to know someone loves me!! ashley is beginning to like phone calls. *hint hint*
so what else is new today-- I start my job tonight! my russian boss kostya (i think i might've told you about him... blue eyes, wicked unibrow? :P) FINALLY got a copy of my social security card, so i'm up and ready to work the dining halls of seacobeck! woo! i have to work after my biology class from about 7:20 to 9:00. it's good to have money coming in. i've been a little worried the past few weeks... MUCHO money has been going to the college and nothing was helping my bank account recover. nice stuff. i just have to get some black or khaki pants.
and i have to start exercising. i'm beginning to feel fat and lethargic. maybe i'll head over to the gym later... but right now it's time for chem lab! yippee! i'm excited. *rolls eyes*
current mood:
happycurrent music: REM - Losing My Religion
Posted 1:42 PM EDT
Sunday, 24 August 2003
today wasn't such a good day. we had three two hour orientation meetings, one of which i was sitting on a concrete floor and was trying not to fall asleep. i thought i would die of boredom. the only cool things that came out of the day was the fact that the weather was a lot nicer and i bought two new posters-- a beatles one and a monty python's flying circus one. this poster store set up a stand on campus walk, and the prices weren't that expensive. so i decided to splurge.
classes start tomorrow. i'm not quite sure that i'm excited. in fact, i don't think i am. hopefully it'll all go all right.
current mood:
annoyedcurrent music: Counting Crows - Omaha
Posted 10:38 PM EDT
well today i worked out my schedule. i'm now taking bio and calc, as well as spanish, english, and chemistry. everything i'm taking is at night-- i have four hours of bio on thursday from 6:00-10:00 PM. i suppose it's okay since i'll be able to do most of my homework and studying during the day when i'm most awake, but it's totally going to screw up my sleeping schedule. oh well. it should work out okay.
i heard some ghost stories today on campus about some naked wet girl that vanished and a person that hung herself from the third story staircase. not very cool stories. but i found one cute guy on campus! woo! his name is james, and he works in dining. he actually kind of looks like keanu reeves. and he knows who i am, like he says hi and stuff, so that's a start right? :P gosh i'm getting to be such a goof.
and it's much cooler today! i might actually be able to sleep underneath my covers comfortably instead of being sprawled, sweating like mad, on top....
current mood:
happycurrent music: Counting Crows - August and Everything After
Posted 12:30 AM EDT
Friday, 22 August 2003
98 degrees and counting....
it's thunderstorming in virginia right now, which is really great news, seeing as it has been hotter than heck down here, we have no ac, and we live on the third floor. maybe it'll cool down a bit. that'd be nice.
so i've made some new friends. not any really close ones yet, but ones that will invite me to their dorm to watch a movie or hang out with them at the fountain. there's this one girl, anna, who lives almost exactly the same life as me, except she lives in a different dorm. practically everywhere we go we run into each other... she's in dining services like me, she's a bio major like me, she checks her mail the same time as me.... it's getting a bit creepy. :P she's okay though. VERY quiet.
nothing exciting happened today, except for me getting my e-mail bit and a very crappy schedule.... ARG. i'm not in bio or calc, instead i'm taking some weird classes that i didn't even sign up for, and i don't know what to do. i have an "historic preservation" class tuesday that ends at 10 PM, and the rest are all in the afternoon. so the only time i have nothing to do is in the mornings. maybe i can get them to work it out, because this really sucks so far.
but anyway, on the lighter side of things, my friend lindsey, her roomate molly, and i made our first trip to the local grocery store! woo! i stocked up on cereal and bagels-- yuummm. much better than dining services (which i've found out serves the exact same stuff, everyday). ah well, my russian boss, kostya, that works there has really cool eyes. they're the brightest blue i've ever seen... it's like wow. if he'd only shave off that unibrow... hahahaha. ah guys and unibrows. :oD
current mood:
hot and exhausted
current music: Eminem - Lose Yourself
Posted: 11:02 PM EDT
okay... well, this blog is going to be a little iffy until i get it back on track. like i've told you guys already, my parents found my old blog, so i deleted it, because heck, they don't need to know about my personal life, right? :P *sigh*
so anyway, i'm kind of in a grumpy mood right now because i'm hot and very tired-- so i'll post later when i'm in a better mood.
love you all!
Ashley
Posted 2:50 PM EDT
