what a pretty fountain...
last night was an interesting night; it was one of those times where my brain lapsed into super-thought mode, and exhausted itself trying to think about all of the hidden facets of the world. i had talked to phil for a half hour or so before my calculus class, went to calculus class around 7:20, and when i came back there was a huge social gathering in my room that i wasn't able to handle just then. so i grabbed up a notebook and went outside to write... i needed to jot down all of the thoughts and feelings running through my head so i could look at them and maybe make more sense of what my brain was spitting out. it was helping a little bit; i sat on the fountain outside my dorm building under "electric candlelight," watching the people go by, being interrupted once or twice. a guy i met in my chemistry class stopped over and said hi while he was running... i think his name is either jake or jason :P it's hard for me to remember. he's a nice kid though, and although he was dripping with sweat from running, he was still fun to talk to. after he left, molly came down and asked, was that guy that just talked to you wearing a kilt? i assure you that they were a pair of black shorts, she just has a bit of trouble seeing clearly out of her window on the second floor. lindsey then called molly, and then lindsey came down, and the three of us went to the 'eagle's nest' for a late night snack. i got a brownie, and it was good.
so anyway, these two visitations totally warped my train of thought, which, looking back on it, was a good thing, since i was becoming too thoughtful and a little bit depressed that i couldn't figure out what i was supposed to. i returned to writing once molly and lindsey had returned to their rooms, but my mental state had been broken, and for some reason my writing had become very self-centered. so i took all of that out and revised it a bit, and it seems better now.
so i returned to my room, and once again talked to phil, and 'let myself go' by telling him all of what i was feeling about whichever topic we were on. and it felt good, so i'm grateful. i needed to chat after that.
so what did i write?
the following:
i want to know what you know, i want to understand what you understand, but it's tough for me to know what you're talking about, to know how you felt when you were like me, to know how you obtained all of the knowledge to balance your life. i am confused yet crystal clear on the topic all at the same time, able to cross some boundaries but unable to break others. i am limited in what i "see," and though i try not be, the task seems daunting. i realize that i have to train myself to let go, to leave the physical world, to let my mind just "be." i try my hardest to understand. to follow your advice. and, as you've mentioned, the first step is probably choosing to see the hidden depths of life. i
want to, of course, but i don't think i've quite convinced myself that i
need to... achieving this point inside myself is probably critical toward convincing myself that i do choose to understand the world, but for some reason i'm scared to cross the boundary that would allow me to see the world more clearly than i do now. some of my fears are superficial ones, like the fact that i might be labeled strange or a "disturber of the peace," but i know those are irrevelant when compared to more important things. fear is limiting, i know, but what if you're afraid of accepting that there really is no limit? i believe, within my central system of beliefs, that reality is what you make it, so to speak, but for some reason my physical mind has been able to override my inner feelings. it's a bit hard to explain, one of those things that don't really have words, they just kind of are. if i were to find out the truth about "knowing," to discover what the true purpose of my life is, i'd feel that i would be different from other people, like i was a step above them because i realized that i knew some things about the world that they didn't. you're probably thinking that it would be my job to teach them, to try to teach them what they already know, and i don't know why that is so hard for me to comprehend, but it is. it would be rewarding, i believe that, would satisfy some of my curiosity by watching someone else learn what i had already figured out, but i don't know, i'd just feel different. i'd be more of an individual than i am now... but i don't know. i just have this fear inside of me that i haven't quite figured out. i don't understand it all yet. hopefully i will someday. i'm aiming.
deep thoughts = good
and if this doesn't make sense to you, don't worry about it; it barely makes sense to me on a certain level. but it is good thinking, no?
all right, homework time!
and now you're probably thinking what a weird entry.... i agree.
current mood: tired
current music: Counting Crows - Round Here
Posted by littlespot64
at 7:22 AM EDT