"boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!"
holy crap what a day. talk about stress. dude. it was terrible. but it's always good to look back at tough times when you're in a better mood, and realize that you survived.

it started with chemistry. i had a chem lab due today, but i was stupid and decided to put it off until the last minute, because i thought it would be like all of those i had to do in high school- nice, quick, and to the point. of course i overlooked the fact that it might actually present a challenge (i haven't exactly had to face any difficult assignments since i've gotten here...) and so i didn't quite finish it or write it as well as i should have. *sigh* that, i admit, was entirely my fault. so i deserved the stress i felt from that.

also today, however, we had a chemistry lab, and i got stuck with this guy i didn't know at all... octavian or something. normally this would be okay, i was my normal happy self, but he was so quiet i began to feel uncomfortable. and i lapsed into the shy ashley self. i talked to him here and there, and asked him questions because i didn't really understand the lab at all... i kind of have the general gist of it but at the time it was just arg, frustrating. i was starting to feel happier at the end of the lab, however, because i found i was able to figure out most of the calculations on my own (yay!) but when i brought my work up to the teacher to have it checked, she told me my numbers were completely wrong. i almost collapsed. it sucks when you think you finally have done something right, and someone just goes and blows it up on you. it was because of significant figures. i never really had a good teacher for that, and she didn't help any. she was just like "oh well" and "if you don't understand them, go look it up in the book." thanks, thanks a lot. way to teach. way to help.

so that made my day pretty sucky. what next... oh yeah, my friend phil. he's like the closest friend i have right now, mostly because i can tell him anything without fear of him shooting me down-- maybe correcting me and saying something like "it doesn't work that way," but either way, he's there and he listens. but he's been frustrating me, because he doesn't return the feelings i feel... well, okay, to be perfectly honest, i really like him, and i kind of think he likes me, but whenever i say "i miss you" or something like that, he never returns the feeling. i feel like it's a one way kind of relationship, that he doesn't believe in the whole two-person thing. he talks about soul mates, and believes that the two of us are soul mates, but there also supposedly seven others that are also soul mates with us, so that rules me out as a sole special person. is this even making sense? it's hard to describe. let's just say i'm unclear as to how he feels. and i wish he would make me feel more loved. but whatever. i shouldn't worry about it. *sigh* it's just frustrating.

and he talked to sally today. i had given him her im one day because he had asked me, who in the dorm, is the most curious; that is, the person who i would feel most "comfortable" teaching the ways of the universe to. the ways of the universe, the philosophy according to phil. i thought sally would be the best choice, since she has a friend like him and all. not that i would want to teach her anyway. i mean, it's not like i don't agree with anything phil says-- i believe in a lot of it, of course, and do want to share what i've learned from him with other people, but i don't really think that my purpose is to spread the word. he wants me to talk about stuff like choice, how if you want it to happen it will, how people are on this earth to develop spiritually and to experience love, how we live multiple lifetimes in an effort to bring ourselves to a more intellectual and knowledgable being. it's fine if me and him talk about it, because we understand each other, and don't have to worry if people look at us weird. it's fun to challenge the mind like that. some of the stuff, of course, i don't agree with and i let him know that, but other stuff sounds so real i'm just like "wow." i don't want to teach people though. it would make me uncomfortable. it would make me weird.

so anyway, he wanted to talk to sally to talk to her about the universe, and to make her "think" so to speak, which is all great, but she got really upset. i admit he got a little crazy there with her sometimes, with his many many lines of difficult questions that are hard to answer. and she doesn't know him. so she can't really make herself vulnerable. and i felt so bad, because he was upsetting her. he was a little off the mark. and i shouldn't of given him her im. i pout and feel bad. i love you sally! you're awesome. and esther, natalie, kristen, and kati, you guys are too. it's good to have friends around when your life is as crazy as mine is.

and i've probably scared a lot of people with this philosophy junk. :0/ i don't know how much of this post made sense either. it's late, and i am exhausted.

whatever. there's more to this world than i could ever understand. but that's part of the fun. and maybe that's why i continue to think about the stuff phil says. he offers interesting ideas, even if he does go a little overboard. alas. i shall stop being strange.

current mood: exhausted

current music: Our Lady Peace - Somewhere Out There